Jealousy
Competition
Rivals
Nemesis
Worth
Rightness
Wow. Heavy stuff in my mind. What am I doing? Grappling with old pieces of grudge, detritus of moods past.
As I get older, I feel the edges of my personality going more solid, more blunted, other parts sharper. Rough people, bad experiences, the knocks of earning your way pounded into this dense mass of resignation. I’m resigned to knowing I don’t want to compromise. And this part of my personality is limiting. It limits opportunities, it limits friendships, it limits everything. It’s the resounding bell of negativity but also affirmation. It’s the hinge in the pivot of the gate that keeps me out… as well as being true to myself. The question is what kind of person would I be if I could compromise? What if, after all these years, the compromise didn’t really matter? That it didn’t really matter? Maybe I’m confusing compromise with my own need to control. Is it the compromise that’s limiting me– or my own stubbornness?
Despite all that, I feel great.
I am a mental tower of health… or a psychological hesitation. I don’t know and, to a certain extent, I don’t care. I’m certain I don’t ask others to compromise themselves or their values. There are times when I’ve asked them to be better. Other times, I’ve asked them to consider the ugly side, true but ugly. But I don’t know about people most of the time. It confounds me how readily they’ll go. To anything. Sometimes it’s their nature, sometimes it’s incentive, but it’s the latter that confounds me the most.
I guess I don’t like people. Those bad apples, they spoil the bunch.
That’s the attitude I really need to work on.
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