You know what? The font and spacing on my blog is weird. I draft it in Times Roman and it comes up Helvetica (or whatever this crappy smushed up font is). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve crafted something to the point where I feel it’s clear and then post it only to find the altered version changes how it flows in subtle ways that make a difference in reading. Weird.
I’ve just been reading about the interactions between women in groups. Social hives appear to wield the most dangers. The weapon of choice? Exclusion. What prompts it? I would have said insecurity, but others have identified competition. I’m inclined to say they’re right. I never thought about it, but it makes sense. I have a distinct feeling that jockeying for attention and significance within the social order makes one more likely to cozy up to others who reflect your values and validate your sense of self-worth. Creepy. If I wanted a mirror for a friend, I’d just stay home and gaze in it.
So women are apt to use exclusion as a way to carve out their dominance while men are much more likely to be individual, inclusive or just solitary. None of this is surprising. I think we’ve known it for ages. It was just easier not airing the dirty laundry.
So while I pity women for being so petty, here I am trying to figure out how to defriend a friend. Desperately. I wonder when I should have known this wasn’t going to work out and how quickly I should have acted upon it. This is the same woman I blogged about a year ago who kept raving about her experiences with this shady cranial therapy and wouldn’t let it die. I never expressed interest in anything other than her back health yet she kept coming back to this topic. Oh my god. You would have thought she was getting a cut. She probably thought she was doing me a favor, but I don’t think quack therapy does anyone any favors.
I don’t get the sense she’s competitive with me — my main criteria for any potential friend — but her penchant for last-minute changes makes me think she’s flighty. The degree to which she wields the baton in conversation makes me wonder if the claim about narcissism isn’t true. And the ways she discusses her other girlfriends, I have to say, makes me wonder if she isn’t blind to her own foibles. It makes me wary. I feel the need for a little more space between her and I.
I thought I wanted a girlfriend. Now I’m sure I don’t. There aren’t enough women out there whose character, intelligence or judgment I trust. Friendships with women are a dance with masks. If you deign to be yourself, you can expect to be excluded for being so bold. If you hold the status quo, you will be frustrated by the shallow pool of belonging. If you can’t really be yourself, you don’t really belong. Simplistic, reductive– and true.
I don’t want to spend time on things I don’t care about. I’m going to start a Dream list and also an Excluding list i.e. Things that take up my time but never feel worthwhile after the first five minutes. Maybe we’ll see how that sorts my life.
A final note… I wrote in Troll today. A good page or two, good in that I felt it was good and came away with that feeling. Not the usual surrender to mediocrity and bad dialogue. Tomorrow we shall try again.
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